Already mourning the end of Green Key?


...the sobering work situation you find before you as you settle into the only empty chair left in the library?


...the loss of the bygone days of your youth, when you sought wisdom from a monthly magazine on the hottest prom dresses, the trendiest beauty products, and whether or not Derek liked you back?


Well, Dartmouth, there's no way to know for sure about Derek, but the Jack-O-Lantern can certainly make your Green Key Sunday more reminiscent of high school and a whole lot weirder as we present:


[cid:7195c110-7012-4548-9586-1bee3e3ef154]


SNEVETNEEN MAGAZINE!

A parody of Seventeen Magazine that we would never, ever recommend to anyone not significantly over the age of 17, which is an endorsement in itself.


Featuring premium content such as:


-THREE REBELLIOUS LIPSTICK SHADES TO PROTEST THE ABSURDLY PARTISAN GERRYMANDERING IN TEXAS'S 7TH CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT


-FIVE DRESSES THAT LOOK GREAT ON THE MODELS WE PAID FOR THIS BUT WOULD LOOK SHITTY ON YOU


 -WE INTERVIEWED ANGELA MERKEL ABOUT HER BEAUTY SECRETS


-FIVE SONGS YOU SHOULD REQUEST AT PROM TO GET YOUR SAD, MISERABLE FREAK ON


-and many more!


Love it so much you want a print copy? Fear not and have patience, dear Dartmouth. This content will soon be distributed to libraries and newsstands across campus, and you have an identical PDF at your fingertips anyway.


Read it, share it, love it, tell your friends, tell your grandma, tell my grandma (I haven't called her in a while; she'd probably be down to talk to you.)


Love,

The Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern