Has the stress of looming finals got you down in the dumps?


Feel like you maybe need a laugh?


Are you sometimes troubled by the thought of  how even though people often assume that-- just like the opposite of "up" is "down" and the opposite of "happy" is "sad"-- the opposite of "dog" is "cat," even though in the scheme of all things that exist, dog and cat are actually pretty close to one another, relatively, so the opposite of "dog" would probably be something like "algebra" or "meticulous" or "Lake Erie"??


Are you bummed that it's been getting kinda cold?


Well, as they say, HAVE NO FEAR! We can't alleviate most of these issues but we CAN ease your sweet gentle hearts in at least one sense as we interrupt your Week 9 with an important announcement, because...



AN ALL-NEW ISSUE OF THE DARTMOVTH* IS HERE!

*Dartmouth's Favorite Newsparody (TM) (This is not the D) (although they do some excellent work)


[cid:87d21fbc-b8d6-4ba7-b2b3-74dc81aca876]



FEATURING PREMIUM CONTENT SUCH AS:

-Asshole Changes Seats Week 9

-New Open A Cappella Group Excepts Everyone (Except Kayla)

-Student Wellness Center Introduces Ragsplort, New Therapy Raccoon

-Foco Introduces Reusable Food

-Dartmouth Student Tired

-You Can't Call Me a Corporate Sellout When I Care This Much About Saving the Bees

-and SO MUCH MORE


Hard copies will be released all across campus next week but YOU, MY DARLING, OH SPECIAL ONE, are receiving an ~EXCLUSIVE~ digital copy on this email!


...and here it is on the internet!

http://sites.dartmouth.edu/jacko/files/2017/11/Fake-D-17F.pdf

Have a lovely day  <3 ;)

Love,
The Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern