Q: Is there anything I would rather do on a Friday night than attend a glorified sausage fest?
A: Yes, pick up some houseswag.
***But I've been thinking. I LIKE BEING HAPPY (sup Happy video + facetimey happy video man). Here are some alt. ways to make me happy, in case you're ever interested:
A) If I could comb my hair in less than an hour, I would be equally as happy.
B) If my best friends didn't yell at me for getting sloppy drunk like every single weekend, I would be equally as happy.
C) If ex-Dean of the College Charlotte Johnson would respond to just one of my blitzes (there's no way she blocked me...), I would be equally as happy.
D) If I found someone to be the Tin Man to my Cheese Wizard of Oz character, I
would be equally as happy.
E) If Collis realized that BYOB (B=beets) doesn't make complete sense and that beets are super
fucking healthy and awesome and nutritious and I'm a basic betch and need what I need, I
would be equally as happy.
F) If McNutt actually became McClit, I
would be equally as happy.
G) If a cappella groups ever sounded even half-way decent and looked even quarter-way
presentable, I would be equally as happy.
H) If African Drumming had parts 2, 3 and 4 (because I need extra terms to work on my rhythms okay...I'm not that musical), I
would be equally as happy.
I) If this Winter made up it's fucking mind, I would be equally as happy.
J) If Michael Harteveldt doesn't screw everything up tonight, I would be equally as happy.
K) If Brian Chalif takes his shirt off, I would be equally as happy.
L) If a cappella groups use blitzes to try to lure people from our show to theirs (hey hey 'belles), I would be equally as happy
M) If D-Style and SHEBA had babies and they twerked and rapped at the same time, I would be equally as happy.
N) If academic rigor and rigor mortis became one thing ("academic mortis" as I call it), I would be equally as happy.
O) If every freshman was required to take an LSA in Dartmouth lingo and finally understand the futility of being on the 7 or the 10, I
would be equally as happy.
P) If KAF had a super secret loyalty program for people who spend more
than 50% of their DBA their this term and actually spelled my name right every once in a while, I would be equally as happy.
Q) If Winter Carnival was still a thing, I would be equally as happy.
R) If I could NRO setting an NRO and not screw up setting a grade limit...what's up NR in Acting 1, I
would be equally as happy.
S) If I could find the time to finish up my solo Dartmouth 7, I would be equally as happy.
T) If I could get a old kitchen rag, rinse it in briney water and then wash my golden retriever (hey salty dog rag), I
would be equally as happy.
U) If Nikhil Arora sang a solo, I would be upset.
V) If Mike Boyas and Weezer sang a duet, I would probably not come to the show…I still might…I would be equally as happy.
W) If I didn't have to sacrifice my sleep schedule in the name of "being like your brilliant sister -xo Mom", I
would be equally as happy.
X) If all of spring term was just senior week, I would be equally as happy.
Y) If I am devoid of ALL RESPONSIBILITY in just four short weeks, I would be equally as happy.
Z)If this is my last campus blitz from the Aires, I would be equally as happy.
AIRES // TUFTS BEELZEBUBS
9PM // CHI GAM // TONIGHT